He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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