my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
