dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
