There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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