Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
