good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
