Do you still have your period?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
