I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
