Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
