I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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