I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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