you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
