Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
