I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
