don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
