Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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