Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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