bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
