I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
