I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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