I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
