Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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