Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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