we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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