Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
