I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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