I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
