I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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