Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
