Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
