I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
this must be what syphilis tastes like
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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