a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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