Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
