dude i'm inner monologue high
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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