i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
