he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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