Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
