So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
dude i'm inner monologue high
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
