Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
