ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
He felt like a one man threesome
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
