As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
