I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
