Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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