I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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