i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Someone came in the potted fern
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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