I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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