we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
