Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
