Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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