Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
they need to just BURY HIM!
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
