im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I will pee on everything he values.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
