Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
