P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
