Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
